@MumInBits

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

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@JohnLyonTweets

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

@Lexiedeadpool

That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat…

@dumbbeezie

I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it

@batkaren

Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.

@DanMentos

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

@Bagyants

I deactivated my Facebook so I won’t know if any bible verses are “so true” for a while.

@MissSassy_Pants

I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.

Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.

@captainkalvis

Me [sees a lemonade stand]: one sec i’m pulling over

Other EMT: *stops giving CPR* oh hell yeah

@WilliamAder

“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile

@XplodingUnicorn

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.