Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Me trying to reach for my goals
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
