When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
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“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?