Asked a girl what I had to do to get her, she said, “GET LOST!”
So I stared…
Realising she wasn’t saying more, I asked, “which season?”

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Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting


Until a pregnancy test commercial involves a chick hysterically crying & screaming MY LIFE IS OVER, it’s not real life.


Sometimes things are not what they appear. Just because I am sitting with an open book doesn’t mean that I am studying.


Sometimes I see a baby and think “Aww, I want one!” Then I find my TV remote in the fridge again and think “Yeah, maybe I’m not ready.”


Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.


COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.


Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun


*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent


GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.


BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.