Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
You Might Also Like
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
the worm is coming from inside the brain
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio