Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
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Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
The symmetry is uncanny.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now