Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.

Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”

Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”

Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.

Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back

How it started: No kicking balls in the house!

How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.

this isn’t my first rodeo

– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time

My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”

DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic

You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?

why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house

My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*

‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’

~Jason Voorhees, in therapy

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?

I used Michael Bay leaves.

I’ll leave.