Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
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I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain