Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
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[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*