Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
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DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
This is a true ally.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying