If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
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*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.