“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
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I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.