Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
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That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…