Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”

*Googles my ex’s house*

An escape room, but it’s trying to find a specialist in your network who is less than 147 miles away.

OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*

Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!

i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…

I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”

if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant

ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before

DATE: Are you having deja vu?

ME: No I’m having the chicken

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?