Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
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If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.