Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
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CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier:
shakira sharkira
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348