Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free

Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

Good morning, Twitter x

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.

ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own

FRIEND: that sucks

ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK

Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?

“I’LL BE BACH.”

Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack

My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.

My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.

If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will

Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?