Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
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When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
it was love at first sight
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
Bartenders are just boneless bars
just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Just got to our Airbnb!
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Mike is short for Micycle
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe