Asked him his height and he鈥檚 been typing for 2 minutes 馃え
You Might Also Like
Dudes named Chance never had one.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it鈥檚 still today.
7: aww
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: 鈾獻’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: 鈾玌nder the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: 鈾獻n an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That鈥檚 so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why鈥檚 everyone looking at me?
Cramming a band鈥檚 entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine