Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
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Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.