Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
You Might Also Like
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
This is why I hate group projects
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?