Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***

*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms

I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.

This is my emotional support chloroform rag

Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES

i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.

I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.

forgive me baja for i have blast

When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?

Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions

Everyone is always doing laundry

*changes name to laundry

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

i hope all of u get laid and not laid off this year. amen

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…

Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly

Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.