Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
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My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
The cashier just checked me out.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.