Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.

Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.

Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.

I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?

be safe out there!

If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.

Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!

As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.

ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.

ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

The little toadstool has spoken.

My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!

ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”