Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
You Might Also Like
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up