Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.

“Nice.”

-guys who work in a crematorium

The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.

As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.

Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?

I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.

Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.

When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.

[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie

the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back