Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.

Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?

Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE

Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.

There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!

Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon

Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.

Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.

My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good

Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies

Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows