Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
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This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Awwwww shit.
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.