Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
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If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.