Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”

Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.

So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.

So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.

ㅤ

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

3yo: welcome to my store.

Me: thank you how much for this apple?

3yo: ummm fifty dollars.

Me: wow and these grapes?

3yo: um SIXTY dollars.

Me: geez how about this lemon?

3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!

and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”