Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

“You’d better run, egg!”

Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.

People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.

LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.

I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.

She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.

Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up

I know karate and tons of other words.

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude

My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.

if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?

The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.

I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’