Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
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So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
The most accurate map ever devised.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
This rocks
