Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
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This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
☠️
why no one uses midhusbands
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.