Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
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Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.