Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
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me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
you’re so productive for your wage
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus