Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
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they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?