Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.

When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.

my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime

some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.

but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.

Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???

i smell a pulitzer

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ

і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.

boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier