Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So that’s what we looked like?

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void

Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?

Me: Yes!

Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?

Me: Yes!

Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

Unmatched

I am all good here, 😂😉

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.

Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂

I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..

women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out

the duality of man

Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*

My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????

[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?

Me: I don’t know, CAN you?

*High-fives high school English teacher*

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!