Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
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if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
My blood type is coffee.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Not today
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds