Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
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A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]