asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
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Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I put the mess in domestic.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
