Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully

why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.

[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD

I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.

[in a crowded elevator]

ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.