asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
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Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
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Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.