Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
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Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.