Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
You Might Also Like
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Looking at you, Jesus.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
don’t we all
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.