Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
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Hamburger Hinderer.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Previously On Persistence 😎
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Meeeee too!
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
#inspiration #foodforthought
