Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
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Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
(2022)
moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
A bold strategy
broke down and did it
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips