Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview]

Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?

Wife: We need a new fridge.

Me: This is a terrible day.

Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.

Me: This is the best day of my life.

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.

Width of elevator: 5 feet.

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?

Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.

Me: Harry Potter.

Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.

Me: then why does it have witches?

Wife:

Me: and spells.

Wife:

Me: and flying broomsticks.

Wife: pick another movie.

Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.

I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin

her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say

The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that

Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.

The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides

Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup