Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”
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Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
necessity is the mother of invention
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!