Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*holds seashell to ear*

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”

“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”

“Dress.”

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.

me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic

AAA: sir this is triple A

me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have antybodies

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
　 O
　 　 　 O
　　 　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　 。
　　　 。
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.

Bringing them to the yard is easy

– bear traps will keep em’ there

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot

The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.