Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office

Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.

Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.

4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.

Him: Hi

Me: I bet you say that to all the girls

That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us

Me: Ok…

8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”

Me:

8yo:

11yo:

Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen