Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”

-Families making Christmas plans in 2020

Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry

Doctor: You need to listen to your body

My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??

How do you fix a broken condom?

Rubber cement.

Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]

Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?

Me: Virus?

stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass

Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it

Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat

don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”

dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN

son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG

dad: omg [sheds a tear]

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY