Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
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Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
☠️ ☠️
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
every olympics i turn into this guy
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point