Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
You Might Also Like
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”