asked my bf how work was today
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My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!