asked my bf how work was today
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People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
mariah carrie
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.