asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
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*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it