Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
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Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Message from the dog groomers
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?