Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.

The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.

Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.

Have kids, they said

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.

If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.

Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up

Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.

Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.

11-year-old: I did.

Me: They’re still on the floor.

11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍

Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”

Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

I’m doing crunches twice a day now…

Captain in the morning…

Nestle in the afternoon.