Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
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More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”