@Kelly_skeleton

Asked my daughter to get me a glass of water & she brought me a glass of wine….she’s either Jesus or I gotta remember the lies I tell her

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@girlnarly

lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you

@hexprax

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

@jellybnbonanza

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

@TeaAndCopy

My wife said that to make our marriage work, we both need to make sacrifices.

I’ve chosen a goat.

@sarcasm_inc

*The Terminator opens a fortune cookie.
“It is ok to kill many people. Many killings are coming your way.”
John: I know it doesn’t say that.

@FSUSteve

My iPhone just autocorrected the word nigga to NIGGA, like whoa iPhone.

You can’t just go around yelling the N word. Jesus.

@BourbonLuv

That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow…

@GrantTanaka

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

@vladchoc

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.