Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?

Me watching recorded TV shows

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.

👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.

the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?

Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”

Orange is oranging 🟠

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.

Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.