asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
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*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Sorry I made promises on Friday
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit