Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact

People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]

just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

this is me

It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”

Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.

Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend

A Monday every week is excessive

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.