Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Somedays I just love AI so much
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
