Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I enjoy a good short stor
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
