Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This poor dog

cat people: dogs are fine

dog people: cats are sent from the devil

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

me: why

bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline

A friend sent me this.

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat

A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.

You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans

[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?

JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective

I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.

Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now

money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas

I hope they don’t ban TikTok because it’s the only thing keeping my wife awake when we watch Netflix.

Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.

“I’ll go when the cat gets up”