Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
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Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
I camp so other people don’t have to.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
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Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
“our sushi is very fresh”
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Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.