Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
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I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
🙄😏😂🤣
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
not seeing the problem
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
