Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
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I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
My dad teaching me to drive
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
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I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Help Wanted
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Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time