Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
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Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?