Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
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me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”