Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.

My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”

Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

Times are tough, wanna go halfsies on this demon with me?

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.

Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red

My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.

Him: I just had sex with that woman!

Me: She’s 60.

Him: I know.

Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise

i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach