Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
You Might Also Like
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
This tweet has been deleted
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?