asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
You Might Also Like
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
When a shoelace touches your ankle
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs