asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
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Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I’m about to risk it all
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….