Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target

[at the drug store]

Employee: May I help you, sir?

Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.

My mother’s maiden name is Password.

Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there

Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…

Not today Satan.

Not today.

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.

there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

bears

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?

Asking for a friend.

[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat

Jokes on them. I took 10.

THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”

[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]