Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???
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78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence