Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼‍♂️

Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.

Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?

Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week

Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday

[childbirth]

me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!

me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]

Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.

Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.

9: Whatcha watching?

Me: Tiny Houses.

9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?

Me: Two people.

9: Are they married?

Me: Not for long.

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”

Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.