Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???
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3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.