Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???
You Might Also Like
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Bringing home a sharpie
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
listen closely
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Human are so complicated
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.