Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

then why did i get this email

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”

Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train

conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK

Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!

my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…

I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

Feels like the fourth month in January

Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —

[First day as a Waiter]

Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.

Me: Probably what killed it.

My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)

My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.

Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2

Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?

asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.