Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???
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Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Swedish for common sense.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%